Stone Castles

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Dishes.  Crumbs.  Laundry.  The hardest part about housework is that it is never done.  Nothing new there.  But then again- maybe grabbing hold of a new thought could bring eternity right into my kitchen.  Or my laundry room.

My father-in-law sent me a note recently.  I have kept it open, on my nightstand.  I didn’t know why I felt the need to keep it there – like a bouquet of flowers – until 5 minutes ago.  Hands under hot water, rinsing and wiping and pondering my desire to build something permanent – like a huge stone structure – A Castle – that would last through the ages, rather than just cleaning yet another set of dishes that won’t stay clean for anywhere near ages.  What I do everyday is fleeting.  I have to keep repeating it.  And sometimes a person wants to work on something that she can just finish and admire, forever.

Here is some of what he said:

Mom and I really do appreciate your thoughtfulness and kindness toward us.  We particularly enjoyed our stay with you and the kids celebrating Paul’s graduation.  The meals, the bed, the car, the help with the house –

Being able to give Taylor and Emma their blessings – (patriarchal blessings) Thank you.  Thank you.  You are special to us.  We love you.

Dad & Mom

Funny how things really are.  The very things that seem the least permanent are the very things that will last the longest.  I do dishes.  I sometimes do laundry.

But really, I am building a family.  And my family will stand.  Long after the ages have past.

Here’s to my large stone structure – My Castle.  Isn’t it beautiful?

Avoiding Pain

The dream I woke up from Saturday morning left me feeling hopeless.  It was a powerful dream about the evils of the world being presented to our children at a young age.  I tried to convince the man responsible that what he had done was horribly wrong.  I tried to make him understand.  He only laughed.

I don’t know that I have ever had such a powerful dream.  I did not know that I could bear the pain of what our children would face in their lives.  I know this sounds drastic and a bit melodramatic.  However, this world has evil to offer even the youngest of children and we are not completely safe from these influences ourselves.  I was filled with despair and darkness.

And then I went on a run.

This is my journal entry explaining the experience I had while running:

“i have been crushed since having that dream.  but i have not ceased praying and asking for help.  right in the middle of running i understood something.  i had to stop running i was so overcome by it. i (and every other woman out there) will never avoid the pain of having children.  from the very moment we conceive we experience pain.  the birth of that child being the most painful in most cases.  at least that was my experience. this does not change. our children (just like everyone else) will have to be re-born over and over again through the course of their lives.  and to the mother of those children, and to her alone, will the pain be the greatest.  just as in childbirth from the very beginning. and then i realized this: if i had to do it all over again to have these children i would.  i would do it again.  if i had to.  and the fact is, i will have to.  that is what we are facing.  and just as the joy swallows the pain up at the birth of a baby so it will be when these children experience a re-birth when they sin and repent and come to Christ. and they all will. and now i know what my job is.  i am there for them just as i have always been.  bearing the pain of being a mother with Christ as my Hope and the Spirit as my comforter and my husband as my support and my love and my companion.  we will go through these pains as we always have.  together.  holding hands.  making a good team.”

And so I won’t be avoiding the pain of raising children.  There is no going back.  Not that I would.

I love being a mom.  I love being a woman of strength.  Bearing children.  Feeling pain. Feeling joy.

Amen to Motherhood.